I am going to start with I started to write this entry about two weeks ago, after a team meeting that occurred recently at work and it made me want to write. I needed to take time to stop, breathe and think my thoughts through before I wrote. Our topic was how we handle stress and what do we do to alleviate our stress. I loved everyone’s input while I had none to give at this time. Sadly it’s no secret that for a long I did not know how to relax or alleviate stress. I am always on edge and stressed out over everything, even as a child I was this way, my grandmother used to call me her “worry wart” and she would tell me to stop. She would say that worrying led to worry lines and that I would look old before my time. So how do I go about relieving or alleviating my stress and worry?
After our meeting I sat to think a lot over our discussion that we had, as a result of my overthinking I emailed my team lead to tell her my thoughts on the subject of stress management. I called my best friend Melissa to talk to her about it, she already knows all of this as she knows me all too well. She told me something which struck me to my core, she said “You are beautiful, loving & kind. You put others before yourself. Some would say that’s bad, some would say good. You’re not materialistic. You never make it “all about you”. You keep it real. Like I said earlier find out who you are and if people leave well let them. Let them see the real you. You don’t sugarcoat anything if people don’t like that screw them. If others don’t think that you are those things well let that person out and see who stays.” This just made the overthinking go off the deep end in an awesome way. It made me think about who I am as a person, who I want to be and furthermore who I am not as a person and who I do not wish to be.
I have carried forty-eight years of a burden of trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations of me and it’s been draining and exhausting to say the very least. What really made me realize how much people expect of me was when someone I once called a “sister” and a best friend told me that I was not who she thought I was and I was not living up to her expectations of me and furthermore she was disappointed in me, thus ended an almost 30 year friendship. All because I was not living up to that 30 year long expectation that she had set for me in her mind. I was never really allowed to be myself around her and others because they had already demanded such a high expectation of me in their minds that the real me could never be out in the open. How sad it was for all of us that these people could not just accept me for who I am flaws and all. Anyway, this past week I have finalized the mourning of the loss of some friendships that I held too tightly to for over 30 years.
I wrote out letters to all those people who I needed to let go and stop mourning, even my old self. I wrote out everything that I felt, I even walked out to the desert screaming out names loudly, screaming out the last bit of pain, bitterness and anger that I had been feeling over the years. I walked to my shredder in my office and I shredded those letters, then walked out to the garbage can outside and threw that shredded paper with those names and the feelings I had away, all the while speaking it out loud that I am done, finished. I am done with the painful memories, the anger, the bitterness and the rage. I am done with unblocking them, blocking them again and yes even checking on their online shit to see what they may say about me. I released it all, I didn’t cry, I didn’t shed tears, in fact I felt pure release. I felt a big huge weight lifted off of my spirit and mind, I felt that I am finally able to move forward without holding onto or being anchored to my past or the relationships of the past with people who are not capable of moving forward with me.
During all of this, I also threw out an old journal that I wrote in last year, I never finished writing in it, I felt it was time to trash it and get rid of the pain along with the thoughts I had. I found a new one at the Dollar General for $3.00 as well as one at Office Depot for $5.00 which is fine with me as I don’t need to buy myself an expensive journals at this time. I love to collect and fill them with my thoughts. During this great release and purge, I got rid of all the old journals with all the painful memories with all the anger filled posts that I had in them. I needed to not just purge myself of my thoughts in writing it out, I needed to purge the words by throwing them in the garbage so that I am not reminding or torturing myself with those memories. Some would say “Oh, keep those to look back on so you can see your growth.” I don’t want to look back on them anymore. I know where I used to be and I know how far I have come.
I even went so far as cleaning down my entire office, purging all of the letters, cards and stuff that I held onto so tightly from people of my past. I got rid of gifts given to me by people who are not in my life. Every little reminder of any one who is not with me who is still alive and living was purged, all the feelings attached to those people were released as I tossed things into bags and into the trash can. Trash day was Friday so as the garbage man came to take the trash away I said “Goodbye forever” to all those people and all those feelings, never to return back to me again. I went through all my social media sites and I made sure people are blocked, they do not deserve a seat at my table of life. I am not saying this with bitterness, in fact I say it in pure love for myself.
I have come to realize that I am not longer bitter, angry or filled with rage towards anyone. I am finally at a place of pure, a place where it took me so long to get to.
I am at a place where moving forward in the here and now, looking forward to a stronger more prosperous life is the only way to go.
I am living my dream and my truth.
Those who choose to accept this are more than welcome to stay and join me, those who do not and will not accept it, well they can go their own way.