I have gotten obsessed with getting our finances straightened out, on my credit score and I have made myself start to get crazy with it to the point where I get angry on payday as I pay out all the bills and watch my money go faster than I bring it in. I get stressed over the finances so much that it makes me sick at the end of paying bills. I constantly watch my bank account just hoping to see money come in and I tell the Universe that I need a break from this, I need a change. I know that some of these bills cannot be helped like the necessities and I know the ones that can be helped like the lease for my laptop and living room can be helped by “just buying it outright” like some people think. My credit is shot to hell and I working so hard to rebuild it by paying stuff off, I am not paying it off happily or with hope that this will help at all. I see it as money going out and I am not enjoying one little bit of it, especially the left over medical bills from when I got sick, they are still hanging over my head.
I grew up in a family where I watched my father bust his ass trying to make a living and my mother spent the money like it was water, then she go to her mother and spend her money like it was water. There always stuff, always a full pantry, a full freezer, a full refrigerator. We had beautiful bedroom sets, beautiful furniture all throughout the house, a in ground swimming pool, a huge yard to run around in, a tree-house my father built for us, a library in the creep basement of the house. and plenty of clothes and toys, we never went without the material stuff. We did severely lack in other areas of what we needed most in our lives, like nurturing, love, kindness, laughter..you know the stuff that a home should be filled with.
I left home at 18-years old and moved into a one-bedroom apartment with a “friend”, her son and her boyfriend, I made it there for 3 months until I could no longer deal with the cockroaches. I moved in with my maternal grandmother, she was rich and she had a huge old colonial house herself filled with stuff, yup here we go again. her house was beautiful with all the old beautiful well kept furniture, the wooden floors and the white walls. The pantry was always full, the refrigerator full too. Every room was filled with stuff. Guess what was missing??? If you guess all of the above you guessed it. I paid her rent to live in a bedroom, paid to have a maid come clean the house and we never had “family time”, no laughter, no love, no kindness, no nurturing.
My paternal grandparents well they were different and it was always made clear by my mother and her mother that they were different, in fact they were made fun of. They were down home country folk, they had very little money. They were not rich financially, yet they were rich in the other aspects that I needed so badly. They showed me love, nurturing, laughter and fun, when I had the great pleasure to be with them. They taught me how not to be materialistic or want for anything, other than wanting to live with them instead of with my parents.
I married for the first time in 1995 to a man that I thought hung the moon. I thought because of how amazing his own family was that he was someone to show me that love, that nurturing and the kindness I needed. I was so wrong. He turned into a greedy, materialistic man who could never get enough stuff, but the stuff he wanted was not for our home or for us, it was for himself. He had to drive a big truck while I went car less with two small babies to take care of. He had to have nice clothes to show himself off with at work, while I walked around in rags. The girls had beautiful clothes, they had beautiful cribs and beds even, even their bedroom was beautifully put together. I was the one who had nothing, no love, no nurturing, no kindness, no money, nothing.
I got with Ron and he showed me love, kindness and nurturing, the only thing we lacked with money. We constantly struggled financially and it was a hard life. It’s sad that I have yet to find that balance between financial, material and emotional needs. This is what I want a balance, a sense of blending and peace about it. I want the love, the feeling of being nurtured, the laughter, the happiness and the peace all the while having the financial stress removed and have better and nicer things in life. I want to be free of this horrible bondage of worry over the bills and money.
Why do I share this? Because it’s a part of living unapologetically brazen, speaking out or writing out what you need or want in life to make it better if need be. Not being afraid to share or show who I am. Not being afraid to say this is how I feel. Maybe there are others who can understand how I feel, I am sure there are.
So if the Universe is honestly listening to me.
This is what I want
I want to be from the worry of having to pay those and bills, no be mad on payday instead pay those bills with a grateful, happy heart knowing that I am capable of doing this.
I want to be free of the stress.
I want to be able to balance financial and material needs with those emotional ones I longed for.
I want to be able to take money and have fun with it, go out to dinner, buy myself something pretty.
I want to stop focusing on the practical, mature and responsible side of everything and just throw caution to the wind so that I can be rid of the bondage of fear and stress.