Today’s entry comes from not expressing myself truly or honestly, instead I have lived in the shadows and dark corners of life. I have had a deep seeded fear of being judged for my own thoughts and feelings. I have been bottling myself up so as to not “upset” or “offend” anyone, it’s not a great way to live my life. I have tried to reach out to others and some are supportive, while others say “Go talk to a therapist” or “Get over it” or “Grow Up!”, so I get quiet and no longer express myself as I find people cannot handle it when I am honest and real with them. I am tired and drained from being so quiet and non expressive. I am tired of trying not to bother anyone or putting anything out there that I want to say, so I keep silent and to myself. My thoughts eat me alive, my heart and head hurt from all these thoughts.
Some days I ask myself “Why am I still alive? Why did I survive sepsis? What is the point of living life if you cannot be yourself and express who you are or what you feel?” I am not suicidal anymore, I am lonely though. I am lonely because I used to believe that I had friends or family who cared about me, yet they do not want to hear about what I am feeing, what my thoughts are unless it aligns with their thoughts or feelings. They really don’t care about what I have been through or how I am dealing with stuff that I bottled up for years.
I started to fell stuck in myself , stuck in own little world, my own little bubble, because I keep myself locked away in my own little “bubble”, in my own little world because I feel like “What’s the sense in trying to be out in the world?” Yet, I have never been a hermit, I have always been a social person and I cannot stand closing myself off from the world. I don’t have anything to hide from the world, because well all of my deep down buried skeletons were cleaned out for me by former friends and acquaintences. They put my life out there for all the world to see and know, not that my life has been wonderful. I never had anything to hide anyway, I have always been honest and open about myself as it is.
I have been called a “Stepford Wife” for so many years, because I was meticulous about my home and how I lived my life. I have been anal retentive about myself, I was even *gasp* concerned about my “appearance” and my “image” to the world. Yet, I was never dishonest, I never laid on a facade of who I am. I have never led anyone to believe that my life is “perfect” or I am “perfect” like a “Stepford Wife” was made to be. By the way to those who said that, if you read the book Stepford Wives were robots made to be perfect by insecure men who needed to feel powerful. My husband Ron has never had to make me feel inferior to him to feel powerful.
I have been called other things such as angry, a bitch, crazy and so on, because I used to express myself openly and not be afraid to be who I was. I sat here thinking about this, this morning and realized this. I was more outspoken and expressive from 1988-1995, when I escaped the control of my parents. I met my first husband in 1989, we dated and I relunctantly married him in 1995. Once that damned wedding band was put on my finger, I allowed him to take me over and control every aspect of my life. I was no longer free to be myself. I allowed his mother, him and a few others to control every move I made. Anytime I would show an ounce of self expression or self confidence, these few people who were a major part of my life would put me down and force me back into the dark hole that they wanted me in. I even changed my home decor to suit these people, I changed my style of clothes that I wore. I became a mother of two small children and changed immediately into a woman that I vowed I would never be. I became that “Christian Stepford wife”, I did everything as perfect as I could, I dressed the “perfect Christian” wife part. Everything about me changed and I fought hard after my divorce to get the woman that was shoved down to come back out.
In 2002, I left my first husband and found my freedom with the help of my husband Ron. I became expressive, I had fun, I was outgoing again, I laughed more than I had in the prior 14 years that I had been with my first husband. I was like a caged lion let out of her cage for the second time in her life. The first time was when I left home at 18 in 1988, I was a caged lion released from living a repressed life. I went wild back then and loved who I was, I enjoyed life and it showed. Flash forward to 2010 when my step-daughter came to live with us, my expressiveness came to screaming halt again, this time due to people online and offline telling me to hush and not to put stuff out there for people to see, including and especially the step-daughter. I went back into the shell and darkness, sitting there for years, afraid to be myself. Wondering if I let myself out again, who is going to stuff me down again and shut me up. I have spent or should I say wasted away the last six years of my life wondering who is next, who can honestly handle the real and true me. My deep fear of judgement from others has really stopped me from truly living my life as I see fit.
This year I stopped being so afraid and starting living my life my way. I moved from an apartment complex to a house, yes we rent and my landlords have given us full reign to paint or do whatever repairs or improvements we want to. I started a new position with my company and with that my team lead helped me to come out of my shell more, she encouraged me to be myself. She believed in me and still does, now she is one of my best friends and my heart-soul sister. I appreciate her for this. Now I am moving forward in my career again, taking another bold step ahead, because this time I believe in myself and I am where I want to be. I feel that I am also ready to be expressive for myself, not for anyone else. I have been repressed for too long throughout my entire life. There were shorts spurts where the repression was gone, where my self-expression was able to be shown, when I was truly happy.
All of this came about due to me being quiet again and the sad part is that three people noticed this, they have been encouraging me to talk it out, to tell them how I feel, to be honest. I have had this entire weekend to finally have time to breathe, to think, to feel and to release so much shit from my past. I decided to sit and write today after not writing at all, not in my offline paper journal. I told Ron that I needed to write and get this out, I miss who I was, I know this woman inside of me has been screaming for years to be let out and not be stuffed or caged. I have been really feeling it since my 49th birthday in August, the lioness is roaring so loudly, needing to be free and uncaged, I am listening to her and letting her out now. It’s time to live my life out loud again and not be afraid anymore.
At this point in my life, I am not losing sight of who I am, what I want and where I am going in my life. My self-expression is coming out, those who love me will accept it or they won’t, it’s not my problem anymore. I cannot be repressed anymore, I am out of the cage once and for all. No more living in captivity, being domesticated or living in submission of anyone. I need to be expressive, be myself without the fear of what others think or say.
What is the worst that can happen? So what if my name gets out on social media or elsewhere and people talk shit, it’s not like that hasn’t happened already.
Life goes on. I may as well live it by my own rules, my own standards, being as expressive as I want to be.